I have a gorgeous turquoise ring my mother gave me. Her mother gave it to her. She used to wear it almost every Sunday. Every time I look at my right hand, I see her hand wearing the familiar ring. I remember sitting in church next to her on most Sundays, holding her always warm, soft hands. I would pet the back of her hand, marveling about how smooth her skin was. I liked the way I could push wrinkles across her hand and smooth them back out.
Now that my hands are nearly 40, and my skin is now smooth and getting thinner, my hands feel and look exactly like hers did back then. I often sit alone with my thoughts pushing wrinkles across the back of my hand, like I used to in church with mom. In a very real way I feel like I am right back there with her, leaning against her arm and holding her hand.
It is a gift that her ring and my own hands connect me to her so easily. Today I am aware, though, I need to do more than imagine holding her hand. Its coming on past the time for a sojourn to Texas so I can hold her hand, live and in person. Soon.
It’s been six weeks since my last post. According to my original timeline, I should have completed the project five weeks ago. It was ten weeks ago that I found out about what happened to her. It’s been ten weeks since I learned my daughter had been the victim of a very serious physical assault at the hands of her then boyfriend. It’s been ten weeks since I felt remotely close to being “myself.”
He went to jail. My daughter is safe and recovering from the trauma. I have been through a lot in my life, but nothing as horrifying as what she went through. I wish I could have traded her places and spared her the pain. I have never felt so much rage or sorrow in my life. I have never experienced such deep feelings of utter futility and inadequacy.
On the other hand, I am in awe of Hannah’s resilience and at the way everyone has come forward to voice their support for her. I would like to thank the Salt Lake County D.A.’s office and the fine men and women of the South Jordan police department. This is the first time in my life that everyone has surpassed my expectations and acted on behalf of someone I loved to the best of their abilities.
Hannah and I would not have made it through these last ten weeks without the constant support from my parents, my siblings (especially Nan and Erika), our friends, and most of all, Hannah’s dad, Shaun.
Next week Hannah leaves for the summer away with my family. She’ll be spending time with people who love her and can help her to accomplish some of the goals she’s laid out for herself. I will be resuming my quest to “shuck the superfluous shit.” I will miss her terribly, and it may prove to be too much — who knows, maybe I’ll join her — but for now, I am happy for her. I am so proud of her. She is becoming the woman she was meant to become.
And to Hannah, I love you. Be safe. Be brave. Be joyful. — love, mom.
I am going to get a big Mason Jar. Like the ones my mom ket raisins in. They had about a one gallon capacity. I am going to invite Hannah to join me in writing down all our hopes and dreams to put in the jar with any change in our pockets at the end of the day. Sound fun? It does to me.
And one last thing. We CAN’T FORGET to keep on laughing!!
“No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar.” -Abraham Lincoln
A life of simplicity can be defined as a life that has removed all of the nonessentials. It is marked by oneness. It is uncomplicated. As a result, it is freeing. It allows our lives to be focused on the things that are most important to us.
Simplicity in life cannot be achieved without honesty. Honesty can live without simplicity, but simplicity cannot live without honesty. Consider the fact that every time we are not truthful, we create an alternate reality. And subsequently, we are forced to live a life in both worlds: the true one and the one we’ve created. On the other hand, when we choose honesty in all aspects of life including our marriage, our business, and our relationships, we live the same life wherever we are. Honesty leads to simplicity, but dishonesty leads to duplicity – the exact opposite. (Read More)
While I’m not as big on goals as I used to be, I do get excited about learning new things.
A single blog post I read about making bread is enough to set me off into hours of research about bread-making techniques, a week of experiments in baking and kneading, a couple weeks trying to make my own wild yeast starter, and some fun moments with my family eating some fresh-baked bread (is there a better smell in the world, btw?).
Learning is one of my favorite pasttimes. It can take up my entire day if I let it. And while I’m a big advocate of focusing on one thing at a time, after a few weeks or a month of focusing on one thing, I tend to move on to another — without necessarily abandoning the last thing I was learning. (Read More…)
My friend, Manu, sent me this link the other day. I always say, “Everyone stay calm!” to pretty much every situation where people are too dressed up, too angry at petty stuff and too carried away in general. Lately, my own catch-phrase has been ringing in my head as I have dealt with some pretty stressful stuff. I had said as much to Manu, so when he saw this, he thought of me. It is worth the five minutes to watch.
The story of Keep Calm and Carry OnMAR 05 2012
You’ve seen the now-famous Keep Calm and Carry On poster and its many many variations, but did you know that this British WWII poster was never distributed to the public and was discovered only recently in an English book shop?
You never know who you might be sitting next to in an English class in High School.
I have a friend who tells stories. That’s not all he does, but his story telling is what has him on my mind this month. As you know, I have been writing and talking a LOT about telling the truth. Not just telling the truth about who left the apartment building door ajar, but telling YOUR truth. Your stories. Your experiences.
Matt Holdaway has always marched to the beat of his own drum. I can still see him loping down the halls of our high school in Rexburg, Idaho, dressed in black. He wore black before black was cool. He was a “New Waver” in a town of cowboys. He was cheerful in a school full of overly serious teens. His easy laugh, which borders on a giggle, was infectious.
Fast forward 20 years and it is Matt Holdaway who makes the greatest effort to keep all us misfit toys from Rexburg together. He flies through Salt Lake on his way to visit his dad and makes sure we all get together. I know he does the same once he reaches that Idaho burg of frozen windswept wasteland.
Matt holds a special place in my teenage heart. He took a picture of me playing the flute in Temple Square, 1990, which, to this day, I believe is the prettiest photo ever taken of me. It captures exactly who I was and how I felt — innocent and sad. He is also one of the few friends I have who ever got to meet my Grandmother Bates. I love her so much, for some reason its comforting he met her.
After high school, most of us misfits from Idaho relocated to the “big city,” AKA, Salt Lake City. Matt started a magazine. It was really more of a booklet of photocopies stapled together. He would print stories, artwork, songs and more that his friends had created. He printed a couple of my songs. The rags were called, “A Multitude of Voices.” As far as I know, he still produces them.
He would also organize huge events he called “A Night of Voices.” The lineup for the evenings would include everything from pantomime to poetry. Looking back, it was a hell of thing to pull off for a kid from Rexburg, newly transplanted in Salt Lake. He was my artistic conscience a lot of the time. I know I was more aware of being truthful in my songwriting when I knew he’d be listening.
Eventually Matt moved to the Bay Area. We haven’t been the kind of friends who check in on each other weekly, monthly or even yearly, but we are true friends. And here is why he is the Most Interesting Man I Know:
Matt tells stories. He doesn’t simply relate an anecdote. He spins a good yarn. When Matt tells a story, everyone within earshot is caught up in it. He is HILARIOUS.
Matt loves people. He loves to find interesting people and introduce them to each other. He has found the ultimate vehicle for this with his weekly radio show, “Radio Voices” which is broadcasted at 104.1 fm on Sundays from 2pm to 4pm in San Francisco, Oakland and Berkeley. You can also tune in via the web.
Matt lives and works in a digital world, but his brain is analog. To that end, his life is indexed and annotated manually. He has the most elaborate, yet simple, method of keeping track of his wild machinations. I fear revealing the specifics of his secret will leave him vulnerable to attack, though, so I will refrain.
Matt is a super hero. (Hence my reticence to divulge his method of organization) He is Storm Shadow of the California Cobras. Watch closely, or you’ll miss him. That’s how ninja-like he is:
Matt does all this AND holds down a real-life, actual, career-type, job-job.
So, yeah, Matt’s pretty f***ing cool. But what do I REALLY love about Matt? What is the thing that makes him the Most Interesting Man I Know? He tells the truth. Always. To everyone. He’s not afraid of what the truth will do to anyone. And he does it with a pure heart. Maybe mischievous. Sometimes salacious. but never malicious.
I have been preoccupied, as of late, with what to do next. This 101 day project is coming to a close, for better or for worse, in just 13 days. (Look for big updates!) With all I’ve been ruminating on truth, excess, healthy habits and letting go, I’ve been at a loss as to which of my interests will bare the closest scrutiny. What “voice” of mine is the loudest? As of today, I have finally decided.
At the end of this 101 day project I will close this site and leave it as a standalone reminder of a journey I took to remember who I really was. The blog I will begin, on the first day of spring, will be about The Truth. I will tell my truth. I will ask others to tell theirs. I will talk about what “truth” means. I hope to discuss with everyone the truth about control, habits, possessions and love. I hope this can be done largely through stories. I’m going to need help, but I’m excited.
So THANK YOU, Matt Holdaway, for being such a good friend, for always telling the truth and for helping me find the next step on my path. You rule. Gooooooooooooo, Bobcats!
I am documenting my 101-day challenge to shuck the superfluous shit, divorce the drama, free the fat and accomplish my goal of "Excess Emancipation." I will “put to rout that which is not life” or which is not me. I am on a journey to let go of the excess fat, junk, financial mess and leftover emotional baggage once and for all. I choose simplicity, truth and freedom instead.
Excess Emancipation 
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