Dear Stuff (and your friends, too),
I am not surprised you’re still hanging around my house, Stuff. You have lived with me a long time. Some of you have been here since I was a baby. I know a lot of you think that you are the embodiment of a special memory of mine, or that you represent people that I love, but that is simply not true. I have been trying to tell you this for a long time.
I know I send you mixed signals. In the past I have given a lot of you away to better homes. I admit, some of you I said were going to go live on a farm in Ohio actually got tossed into garbage cans. I have said, over and over, that I didn’t want you, and yet, I have kept allowing you to stay and have even added more of your friends to my collections.
Ceramic Vase, I know you think you are my mother, but you are not. You are simply a vase. You are not her words, her hands or her amazing poetry. You just sit on the shelf with the rest of your brick-a-brac mates and make me dust you.
Prom Dress, I know you know I will never wear you again. Why do you make me store you and move you time and again across the country? I’m beginning to resent you.
Beauty Products, there are simply way too many of you. It’s too difficult to keep you in line. I know you said you were using protection, but I swear you guys are multiplying.
Clothing, you are the worst of all. I am afraid 80% of you will have to go. I simply can not spend so much time and money washing you, ironing you, trying to find you and hanging you back up. You will find good homes. You are good Stuff.
Maybe that’s the hardest part about our breakup, Stuff. You are all good Stuff. But this is the end of the line. I am breaking up with most of you. Very few of you will be left here in the house and I want you to know, you are not allowed to multiply. If one more of you comes to stay, one of you will have to leave. One in, One out.
I’m sorry it has to be this way. I know you were hoping with all the distractions I’ve had that maybe I had forgotten about letting you go. I can see how you may have had that impression. I have left most of you in boxes, piled around the apartment, for over a month. But let me be clear, I have not forgotten. These are your last days. Say your goodbyes now, The Greatest Yard Sale of Time and All Eternity is coming soon.
For those of you unclaimed by family or unsold at the end of the day of the yard sale, know this: You will be taken to the thrift store and dropped off.
Thanks for being there for me when I
thought I needed you. You may go now and help someone else.